Under the Wig

Thankfully, the music I grew up with, along with other styles that had been popular generations ago, helped me throughout my life. Music is what really drew me to Harpo. Harpo's first love was music, too.

Because music brought me the most enjoyment, it's not surprising I aspired to be a singer. The Beatles were my "friends", along with other groups that entertained me throughout my life. Back then, radio stations played a wonderful variety of styles, so I got to hear a lot of the pop music the older folks were listenning to, which I grew to love, too.

When I was very young, perhaps 5 or 6, I'd enjoy looking in the bathroom mirror, positioned just so, while I held up a smaller mirror, to reflect back 3 faces, who all sang. This was my imaginary group, though I don't remember what I sang. I'd also sing for the grown-ups, songs I know they listened to, and they seemed to enjoy it. When I was around 8, I knew I wanted to be a singer. It wasn't for lack of talent that I didn't make it. In fact, I did have a singing career, though I wasn't a rock star, or any other kind of star, but I am the star of my life.

The music that fueled my imagination, hopes and dreams were mostly songs of love, though the heartbreak tunes would always make me cry. I loved most of what I heard, from the Beatles, to the Mowtown sounds, and everything in between, which often included Johnny Mathis, Andy Williams, and Louie Armstrong, among the others of the pop era. Later in life I'd discover and instantly love the Big Band era.

During the many hours spent alone in my room listening to music and playing with my toys, I did my best to understand why I was treated as I was, but knowing why didn't make me feel better. Music was my constant companion, as well as my Intuition, which taught me many things. Despite my inner knowledge, I still couldn't handle the things that were done to me. All I wanted was to be loved, and I had a LOT to give, which I still do. Most the time I was a good child, despite being accused otherwise. Much later in life it dawned on me, in a powerful moment of complete clarity, why these things happened. It was very enlightenning, but it was of little comfort. I still love some of those people, though I can only love them from a distance.
Because of my deep love of people, I wanted to help them- I wanted to be the one to bring them joy and comfort. Through my music, I was able to accomplish this in some way. Around 1982, when I discovered Wholistic Healing, I found other ways to add to this, when I began to develop a special gift, that others had recognized, encouraged, and appreciated. As a child, I suspected I had this, among other intuitive abilities. It wasn't till around '82 when I really started learning to improve them, building on established techniques, and intuition. The title of "healer" was given to me many years later. I carry it proudly and humbly, with honor, responsibility, joy, and love. As I learned to develop these inner talents, my life gradually improved. The most important lessons were in how to better use my Intuition, which has served me well. I also helped teach others how to use theirs. As a natural healer, I've collected many tools to help me and others in various creative ways. Playing Harpo is the latest healing gift I've gotten; it's helped me heal in the most amazing ways. I give Thanks every day for this most unexpected and Joyous turn of events. It turned my life around, from hopelessness and unbearable sorrow, to one of Joy and renewed Hope. I still have bad days, but I Am Healing.
For as long as I can remember, despite my deep despair, I had some hope; I believed my future would be better, and I'd have a happy life. I believed in the power of my love, and knew I had something worthwhile to offer the world, though I had very little encouragement or guidance. There were many times I thought I was happy, but later realized I was only fooling myself. It took me many years to realize I couldn't pull the wool over my own eyes, so to speak. Despite my newfound insights and skills, I still sought my happiness from the wrong things, despite warnings from my Inner Voice, which I'm still paying dearly for in some of those unhealthy and unwise choices. As part of my self healing, I've come to take responsibility for my decisions, while doing my best to correct my mistakes. If we can learn from our mistakes, they'll serve us well, as powerful guides that will help us prepare for many lessons to come.

Whatever happened throughout my life, I still held onto that tiny glimmer of hope deep inside me, though it had faded much since childhood. When I got to the point where I began to be my own best friend, to really and truly like, accept, love, respect and make peace with myself, my life began to change, though it was many years later. It took me too long to mature, because I had so little guidance, love, or encouragement, and when I did get some, they were all too often given with strings attached. What I got most of were too many demands, expectations, and conditions. Dicipline came without love; obligation without compassion, scoldings without explanations, along with ridicule and accusations, which made me severely withdrawn, afraid, terribly shy, bitter, angry, and unbearably lonely. My social skills suffered severely; I'm still learning how to properly interact with people. Of course I had to keep all this to myself, which made matters worse. Music, and the other creative things I had, helped me release it enough for me to survive, though I was barely existing. Most of my major life changes were spent alone, with little or no help or guidance. As I journey into one of them now, I'm still alone, but doing my best with the knowledge, wisdom, and experiences I've accumulated, hanging on tightly to all the goodness I have.

   So anyway, this innocent child, starving desperately for attention, lashed out hard, reacting impulsively and destructively, perpetuating a vicious cycle that only made it worse for me. I was about 3 when I had what I recall as my first emotional trauma. The loving little girl who only wanted to give, be accepted, fit in, be held, be treated fairly, kindly, compassionately, etc., was becomming a hardened cynic, rebel, and wild. Thank Goodness for music, my intuition, love, faith, and hope!
   Even while I was deeply entangled in all this, I knew the day would come when I'd grow tired of it. I had to pull myself out of the shell they built for me. When that day came, I slowly began to heal. I stopped tormenting myself with those awful memories from my past- they were gone, done and over with, reliving them only destroyed me further; I realized I was giving the people who hurt me even more power over me than they had already stolen. It was time to take it back and Empower myself. I wanted to reclaim my life- to concentrate on all I had to offer, and be the loving, giving, hopeful, gentle person I always knew I was. I had to help myself first, before I could really help others.
   So I re-invented, reworked, rebuilt, re-created, reshaped and began polishing myself from the inside out, beginning with my attitude, so the real me could finally Shine through. It wasn't easy- I had to face myself hard and let go of the baggage I dragged around. Change is usually painful, but once done, is more liberating than words can express. When these things happened for me, good things happened more often. During those times, I did my best to hold onto the fading hope that was slipping away from me. I was doing better in many ways, but still sliding downhill, back into the deep dark pit of despair. The hopes, dreams, aspirations I had, plus the expectations I had of myself, all weighed heavily on me, yet I kept from going completely backwards into my shell, by using all I had available to me, which were mostly the lessons I had learned. My new attitude, along with my beliefs, hope, intuition, faith, love, and music, kept me afloat, though at times, I barely made it, because they were all I had. By the time I started reshaping myself, I also began to quit many of my destructive ways, seeking happiness from much healthier, constructive sources.
   Many say we have to love ourselves before others can love us, which, to me, is only partially true. In my reasoning, how can we know love if we aren't shown any? How can we give what we never had? Where are the positive examples to learn from and follow? Are we born knowing how to love? I believe we have the capacity to be loving, just as we have the ability to be mean. These are just some of the ideas I wrote about in my book, which I hope to publish soon.

Writing that book was a journey of self discovery, or, re-discovery. It helped me heal in many ways. I began making real progress in managing the pain that left so many deep wounds, by trying to forgive, including forgiving myself. Often, the fleeting moments of contentment and peace I'd occasionally felt, came more often and lasted longer, enabling me to once again pick up and put together some of the shattered pieces of my life. While I was making great personal strides, there were still some things missing, and badly needed. In deep anguish and desparation, I decided to pray, asking very specifically for this one particular thing. I don't only pray when I'm in trouble- in fact, I give Thanks every day for all the wonderful things I've been given. Counting my Blesings has saved me many times from going over the brink, into a complete breakdown. Connecting with Harpo has moved me further away from that bottomless pit- my social skills are also improving, though I still make some embarrassing blunders occasionally.

I've said many prayers in my life, which were answered in some way, but the prayer I said that sent Harpo to me was one of the the most powerful, miraculous gifts of all. Although I'm doing a lot better, I'm still healing. I had to be the person I was before, in order to become the one I am now.
Before I "met" Harpo, I was doing all I could with what I had so far. Being a realist, as well as a dreamer and idealist, I applied the theories, ideas, and techniques I learned and built upon, especially since around 1982. I realized on the deepest level, things I knew intellectually and intuitively. This helped me personally, and enabled me to continue my healing work. I still test each idea, theory, and technique, bringing them into practical applications I can use, and teach anyone, including disabled people.

When I discovered Harpo, I knew he was my answer to a prayer. He's helped me heal in the most amazing ways. Though I'm doing much better, I still have a long way to go. I'm doing my best, and thanks to Harpo, as well as many others who've been supportive, caring, helpful, compassionate, and kind, this little girl is finally getting some of the much needed healing she needs.

Although my story has much sorrow, it also has Joy. Especially since '82, I've helped many people improve, heal, and empower themselves, as well as enhancing my own life. I'm no longer as sad or as lonely as I was, I'm growing stronger inside, and able once again to reach out with all the love I have to give. Connecting with Harpo is helping me socially and personally. Never could I have dreamed this all would be possible, for which I give Thanks each day, and pray I'll soon be ready to finally have my One Biggest Wish I've waited for all my life. Although I am poor, I am Truly Rich in ways that have far more value than any amont of wealth, political power, or social status. These simple, priceless gifts I give freely, with all my heart, soul, and spirit.